One Week With the Akatsukis
by AkiraDawn
Summary: This is a complete spoof of a typical week in the apartment of the Akatsukis. There is absolutely no seriosuness to it. I wrote it and a friend thought it was funny. I hope you get a good laugh from it! Rated for language R
1. Chapter 1 Monday: Lunch With Deidara

Okay, I hope you all find this as funny as my friend did XD

Day 1: Monday: Lunch With Deidara

Some background…

Itachi, Kisame, Sasori, Deidara, and Zetsu. The 5 of them had been living in the swank three bedroom apartment for two years. Zetsu paid the most rent and so he managed to get the huge master bedroom because of it. Sasori and Kisame shared a room for the simple fact that they were so pissed at Itachi and Deidara by the end of the day that they needed to vent and console each other. Itachi and Deidara…well, they shared a room and between the two of them there was a lot of shampoo and a lot of phone numbers from all the girls they had dragged into the apartment. They only called some of those girls back…

Now, each week everyone has their designated job around the apartment. It's what they do that particular day each week to keep the place tidy before the weekly Friday night party when the apartment turned into, for lack of a better term…a frat house. Today is Monday, Monday is Deidara's day to fix lunch. This normally isn't a challenge for him…normally…

"Dedara! Get in here! You need to fix lunch." Sasori yelled from the couch. Deidara rushed into the living room and stood in front of the TV.

"Sasori! Danna, tell Itachi that I have the fluffier pony tail, yeah!" Deidara demanded. Itachi calmly walked into the living room and stood beside Deidara in front of the TV.

"Sasori, tell Deidara fluffy pony tails don't get you laid as often as sleek ones." Sasori blinked few times…he was not amused.

"Deidara, get the hell into the kitchen and fix lunch. Itachi, move the fuck out of my way you're blocking my show." Both Itachi and Deidara were disappointed that the battle of the pony tails remained without resolve…they both knew they would fight this out with Kisame later. Itachi went back into his room. "Okay, Deidara, everything you need for lunch is in the kitchen. You have to make lunch now because you have to get it in the refrigerator." Sasori said. Deidara smiled and made his way into the kitchen.

Sure enough there were the ingredients spread out before him. He thought to himself: "Pickles, yeah. Mayonnaise, celery, yeah. Cheese, bread, yeah. …" Deidara picked up the small can and examined it. He read the label: 'Chicken of the Sea'. Deidara squinted his blue eye and gazed in confusion at the ceiling. He read the label again: 'Chicken of the Sea'.

"Deidara! What are you doing? The can has a pull tab on the lid. You don't have to use the can opener this time." Sasori said noticing Deidara was standing in the kitchen holding the small can. Deidara came back into the living room where Sasori was trying to watch his show.

"Sasori…so is it chicken or is it fish, yeah?"

That last line was courtesy of Jessica Simpson XD XD


	2. Chapter 2 Tuesday: Zetsu Cleans the Bath

Day 2: Tuesday: Zetsu Cleans the Bathroom

Some background…

Well, after Deidara figured out it was tuna not chicken, he relaxed and fixed lunch. However, as usual every Monday when Deidara fixed lunch, he got a little carried away with the cookie cutters and everyone got a differently shaped sandwich. Of course this was nothing compared to the time Sasori gave him blue Play-Doh…no one saw him for 4 hours. But all the little clay animals spoke for themselves…

So now it's Tuesday, on Tuesdays Zetsu always cleans the bathroom. It's usually never that messy except for the shower and the sink. However, sometimes Zetsu needs some motivation when he is cleaning…

"Okay, Zetsu, we're going to drop off this secret package to 'the leader'. Well, to 'the leader's' secret mailbox. We'll never actually see 'the leader' I bet he's a big fake. One of these days we are going to find out that 'the leader' is a…" Kisame cut Itachi off.

"Yeah, Itachi we get it…leader…mystery…secret package. Zetsu, have that bathroom cleaned when we get back." Kisame ordered. Zetsu went into the closet hallway after Itachi, Kisame, Deidara and Sasori left the apartment. He threw several cleansers and bottles of spray into the floor behind him. Zetsu always went through an entire roll of paper towels when he cleaned the bathroom. He didn't need to…he just did. Zetsu went into the bathroom and looked around.

"Damn…those dumbasses always leave crap all over the counter." Zetsu thought clearing the incredibly packed counter. "Do they not ever put anything away? Zetsu was already ranting. He opened up the bathroom cabinet…well…the wrong bathroom cabinet. He gasped. "So, that's where those two keep the condoms!" Zetsu had finally found the new place where Itachi and Deidara were keeping the condoms. Zetsu starts thinking of everything he's clearing off the counter: "Shampoo, conditioner, soap, toothpaste, washcloths, hairbrush…yeah that's Itachi's, cologne! What the fuck? Which one of us wears _this_? I'll look into that later…" Zetsu continued thinking to himself. Finally, he got a little distracted so he went to get the CD player.

Zetsu looked around as if someone were watching him and then he hit play. Immediately he felt like cleaning the bathroom. The counter was spotless, the sink gorgeous! The shower was gleaming, the toilet pristine! The last thing for Zetsu to do was run a mop over the tile and spray the mountain berry air sanitizer…he personally chose that fragrance. It was at this moment that Kisame, Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara walked back into the apartment.

"What the _hell_ is going on in here…?" Kisame asked mortified. The others stood behind him and questioned the situation at hand. What they heard was Madonna's 'Material Girl' blasting from the CD player. Zetsu bounced out of the bathroom and screamed. He immediately shut off the CD player. His heart was racing…his secret was out.

"Hey…guys…want to see the bathroom?"


	3. Chapter 3 Wed: Kisame Master of Hedge

Day 3: Wednesday: Kisame, Master of the Hedges

Some background…

Everyone really tried to forget the whole 'Material Girl' thing. Especially Zetsu, he was pretty self conscious about his Madonna's Greatest Hits compilation CD. He had downloaded all the songs off the internet secretly and then burnt them to a CD. Thank god it was Sasori who had the CD burner…Not to mention he did listen to that _every time_ he cleaned the bathroom…

So this brings us to Wednesday, on Wednesdays Kisame did yard work when there was yard work to do. He was the only one who sometimes got out of his Wednesday duties. He usually cut grass, picked up branches, raked leaves (in the fall), and above all took care of the hedges and other shrubbery around the apartment. He even had a hibiscus plant that he watered regularly…but he hadn't yet told the guys about his beloved plant. Today was extra special because there was a possibility that 'the leader' could drop by any day and so the hedges had to be perfectly manicured.

"Kisame, go get the yard work done, I'll do your nails when you get back inside." Itachi said.

"Is it that new expensive salon quality polish? The dark purple? Because that other stuff was just cheap shit. It chipped all the time."

"Yeah, Deidara got a sweet deal on it at that salon in town. I think he slept with someone that works there to get it.

"You know, he could have just given them clay gifts." Kisame said.

"Yeah, but we're talking about _Deidara_ he probably slept with someone. Anyway go get to work so I can redo yours later." With this said Kisame went outside to assess the situation in the yard. Somehow the hedges had grown up monstrously, after a recent storm there were branches all over the yard and the hibiscus needed some attention. Kisame decided to start with clearing the branches from the yard.

Now, any of the other Akatsukis would probably just pick the branches up and throw them in the neighbor's yard…but not Kisame. He whipped out his giant shredding sword and swung it into the air. "Pulverize, bitch!" He screamed at the branches. It is at this point that Kisame takes a mighty swing at the branches reducing them to sawdust immediately. He stepped back and watched the tiny minuscule wood particles float around. "Done!" he said gleaming. His next task was to trim back the big tree in the yard. It had a low hanging branch and 'the leader' didn't approve of poor landscaping. "You! Worthless piece of shit!" Kisame screamed and swung his sword into the branch slicing it off bare at the tree trunk…he wasn't supposed to cut this much off. The branch went flying into the air, Kisame assumed it landed in the neighbor's pool a few doors down.

Now, for the wildly growing grass that was popping up her and there. Kisame ran across the lawn uttering some kind of ridiculous battle cry watching as tiny blades of grass rained down everywhere. It's no wonder the neighbors sometimes called the cops when he was outside doing the yard work. Of course, Kisame always paid the cops when they stopped by and then they would leave, but not before getting some spice garden tips from Kisame. Well, what was supposed to be an even cut, turned into places where the dirt was exposed because Kisame once again got a little carried away. Nonetheless, he was proud of his job. His final task was the hedges. This was his favorite thing to do because he knew how much 'the leader' would appreciate well groomed hedges. "It's time to tango with the clippers of doom, bastard!" Kisame yelled at the hedges. No one inside seemed to notice the leaves and twigs from the shrubs flying in front of the windows. Kisame continued his rampage…once he was finished he was panting and covered in little green leaves and tiny twigs. However, he had cut the hedges back a bit much…reducing them to near stumps all around the apartment. "The Leader will not be pleased with this." Kisame thought to himself hoping that 'the leader' wouldn't stop by anytime soon. He put his sword away and took a watering can around to the back of the house. Here he watered his precious hibiscus plant…delicately.


	4. Chapter 4 Thursday: Itachi and laundry

Day 4: Thursday: Itachi and the Laundry

Some background…

Fortunately, 'the leader' never showed up to see the poorly groomed landscaping. Although, he would have been impressed with Kisame's hibiscus. He had a soft spot for flowering plants. Kisame sometimes felt like sometimes he may need to find a new way to get the grounds manicured…but his way was so much fun.

At this point it should be established that of all the Akatsuki members Itachi is the number one drama queen. The slightest thing sets him off and something as minor as a stain on the carpet turns into a fiasco if you have Itachi-syndrome. So today is Thursday, on Thursdays Itachi always does the laundry. He starts in his room and collects his laundry and Deidara's laundry. They usually have the most. Then he checks with Kisame and Sasori and collects their laundry. Finally, Zetsu turns over anything he needs to have washed. There was one time Itachi did laundry for 'the leader'. Itachi felt strange because he was doing laundry for someone he had _never_ seen before. Now it was time to make his laundry rounds…

"Come on Deidara give me your laundry." Itachi said. Itachi had already filled the basket with his laundry.

"Oh okay, yeah. Hold on just let me dig around, yeah." Itachi watched impatiently as Deidara searched underneath the comforter of his bed. He kept talking to Itachi but Itachi couldn't understand a word he said because Deidara was completely underneath all the covers. "Why the hell would he have laundry tangled in the bed anyway?" Itachi wondered. Finally, Deidara finished throwing laundry at Itachi.

Itachi took the laundry basket and set it in the utility room and got a econd laundry basket. This one was for everyone else. Itachi made his rounds to Sasori, Kisame, and Zetsu. He then went back into the laundry room to start sorting lights, darks, delicates, towels, etc. Itachi was pretty particular when it came to laundry. He started with his and Deidara's basket. He threw piles onto the floor and then came to a screeching halt. "Calvin Klein?" He yelled to himself holding on to Deidara's boxers. "I'm so taking these, he'll never notice." Itachi said to himself. "Besides, I'll look so much better in them. He can't pull off burgundy and tan." Itachi finished. Itachi moved on to the next basket…and there it was…and here's where the drama starts…

"What the fuck! Who's robe is this? Sasori you dumb ass is it yours! Oh my god, what the hell is all over the front of it! It looks like fucking mustard or something! You idiot! You know that the robes are DRY CLEAN ONLY!" Oh my god, do you know how much it costs to take these to the cleaners! You're such a fucking moron! You honestly think I'm going to put the robe in the washer! How many times have I told you not to eat in the robe! You are so…" Kisame yells at Itachi from the other room.

"Itachi! Did you take your rage pill today?" Itachi thinks a moment.

"No! Bring it to me!" The last time Itachi forgot to take his rage pill it was bad news. Kisame managed to get Itachi calmed down over the fact that Sasori's robe needed to go to the cleaners.

Itachi went back to the laundry. He had made it a habit of checking all the pants pockets for stuff before washing them. Itachi always emptied his pockets but no one else seemed to. "Coins, oh a set of door keys, exploding tag." Itachi thought to himself as he cleaned out Sasori's pants. "Purple bubble gum, condom, dried up play-doh, phone number." Itachi had found Deidara's pants.

Now, that Itachi had separated all the washing he put the lights in first. Itachi searched overhead for his desired detergent and fabric softener. Itachi was big on fabric softener. "Spring rain, ocean breeze, heavy duty, gentle care." Itachi debated what detergent he would use today (he liked to mix them up). "Oh! Tropical island." He said to himself pulling the plastic bottle down from the overhead shelf. Itachi didn't see the liquid detergent on the side of the lid and so he then rubbed his eye.

"Oh my god! I just got detergent in my eye! Oh my god, it fucking stings! Oh my god! My eye! My eye! Where the hell is the sink? Oh shit…it stings! Stupid fucking detergent! Oh god, I can't see! Why does everything horrible happen to me!" Itachi continued yelling until he ran into the sink. Once _that_ incident was over Itachi returned to the first load of laundry. He got the washer running with the light clothes and left it alone until it was time to put them in the dryer. Deidara appeared in the utility room.

"Itachi-san. Here I missed this, yeah." Deidara handed a white shirt to Itachi. Naturally, Itachi completely spazzed since he had just put the light clothes in the washer…


	5. Chapter 5 Friday: Sasori the Liquor King

Day 5: Friday: Sasori the Liquor King

Some background…

Thank god laundry day is over! Itachi has issues pretty much everyday, but on his laundry day he is exceptionally testy. Every Friday for the past year, the guys at the Akatsuki apartment have had a party. Now, the typical routine follows as this: Every Friday they get ready for the party, Itachi and Deidara go out and find the women that are going to come join them, Zetsu always orders the pizzas, Kisame makes dip, and (this is where Sasori's weekly job comes in) Sasori is always in charge of the alcohol. For some strange reason, Sasori was a master drink mixer and he could mix anything at any strength. He was also skilled in flare bar tending. Rumor has it that Sasori used to flare bar tend in a huge ass hotel in Vegas. He could do all kinds of wicked stunts with vodka bottles. But, he decided to give it up because…well…nobody ever died and his evil was really starting to back up.

So today is Friday, Friday is the day that Sasori plans the drink list for the evening's party. The other guys think that Sasori has the fun job; of course there's a lot of work to flare bar tending. Nonetheless, his job was important even though he became a little lost behind the scenes at times. So we'll fast forward to party central. Sasori has made the mistake of having a few drinks before he starts his flare routine…

Sasori has started his first routine where he goes ballistic with six empty vodka bottles and then pours a shot. Sasori starts his routine but his head is spinning a little and he gets nailed in the head with three bottles.

"Oh, shit why did I start drinking first!" he said. "Okay, okay. I can do this." Sasori restarted his routine. His talent for flare bartending got him laid occasionally. Every Friday night, it was usually Itachi and Deidara who were getting laid. But sometimes…it was also Sasori and never Kisame or Zetsu (no wonder those two were so pissed off all the time). Sasori flipped his bottles around over him, however he misjudged his distance and one of the bottles knocked out a light out.

"Shit, I think I broke a light." A very drunk Sasori said. Sasori continued to attempt his flare styles. Meanwhile across the room, Itachi and Deidara was both drunk off their asses. Every time Deidara got drunk, he took Sasori's cell phone and called Orochimaru; then Kabuto would find out they were having a party and he would try to come over and try be cool…this happened _every _Friday. Itachi had his arm wrapped around some drunk girl on their couch. She should have never said what she said…

"So who's the blonde?" Itachi could feel a fit of rage overcome him. There were three things Itachi hated 1) Diet Sprite 2) Deidara getting more attention than him 3) His little brother's choice of clothes

Back to Sasori, he was now trying to do a bottle spin trick on his elbows. He had gotten the bottle going really fast but eh lost control and it flew across the room and knocked Zetsu in the head…he was out cold the rest of the night. It is at this point that Kabuto shows up. Sasori is too drunk to realize that it's Kabuto and he tries to show him a flare trick. Instead, Sasori ends up spilling whiskey on Kabuto's shirt and then starts to cry. Fortunately, Deidara saw him getting all emotional and he slapped him in the head. For Sasori's next stunt, he was going to blow flames between Kisame's legs, light a fuse behind him, set off a rocket that would spell akatsuki in the air, and then pour a shot. It was obvious that Sasori hadn't thought this trick through completely…Logic hadn't kicked in that maybe he shouldn't use a rocket drunk in the apartment. The first thing to go horribly wrong is that he lit Kisame's pants on fire and then the rocket went berserk through the apartment and blew a hole in the door before exploding in the yard.

"It didn't spell anything!" Deidara said not even noticing the huge smoking hole in the door.

"Damn it that trick worked every time in Vegas!" Sasori said, not hearing Kisame cursing at him from the shower. Kabuto finally left when Sasori accidentally hit Kabuto with another bottle and so he left. Sasori decided that maybe he was a little drunk and that he should quite his flare routines…he could still pour and mix drinks the normal way…


	6. Chapter 6 Saturday: Extreme Hangover

Day 6: Saturday: Extreme Hangover

Some background…

Well, the Friday night party ended the way it did every Friday night…Itachi took some girl to bed. Deidara made out with some girl before she left and then everyone crashed. Poor Zetsu, he would definitely wake up with one major ass headache having been nailed in the head with a vodka bottle and all.

We have now worked our way up to Saturday; Saturday is usually the hangover day. Saturday is generally used to recollect the memories from the night before. Sometimes there were gaps because they didn't always remember everything that happened. No one has any specific tasks on Saturday…except to be on the lookout for 'the leader'. Saturday is the day 'the leader' could stop by or call the apartment at any given moment. If 'the leader' saw the hole in that door; there would be some questions for sure. Sasori was the first to emerge from his room. He looked like he was going to fall over sideways.

"My head is ringing…" he said to no one in particular. He plopped on their couch staring at the hole in the door. "What the _fuck_ is that?" he asked. The apartment was peaceful on this hangover morning…until the ungastly screaming broke the silence.

"It's stuck! It's stuck, yeah! Get it out! Ooooooh get it out! Yeah!" Deidara came running into the kitchen and stuck his head into the sink. The next thing Sasori heard was Deidara crying like a baby and the water running. The next thing to happen was Itachi storming out of their room with Mangekyou Sharingan activated looking like he was going to kill Deidara. Of course, Itachi looked pretty hung over too. Unfortunately for Deidara…Itachi hadn't taken his rage pill yet.

"Why the hell is Deidara screaming! It's only fucking 10:30. Shut that idiot up!" Kisame wasn't amused. He was still pissed about the whole fire and the pants thing. Itachi the drama queen stormed into the kitchen only to find a mass of wet blonde hair in the sink screaming bloody murder. All of this commotion woke Zetsu, who still thought it was the night before. He stumbled into the living room and fell onto Sasori's lap.

"What the fuck is wrong with you man! Itachi yelled at Deidara. Deidara screamed some more.

"I laid in purple bubble gum, yeah! I must have been chewing it drunk again, yeah! It's stuck in my hair, yeah! It's gooey…it's stuuuuuuck! Yeah."

"Just get the fucking scissors so we can all go back to bed!" Sasori yelled form the living room. This was a mistake because it only made Deidara scream more. For the first time Itachi actually felt an emotion other than pure hatred: sympathy. He took Deidara into the bathroom with a jar of peanut butter and the heavy duty shampoo to try and console him. Itachi had forgotten about the girl that was still in his bed.

Kisame, not being able to go back to sleep came into the living room only to find Zetsu across Sasori's lap.

"Kisame, what happened to that door last night?" Sasori grumbled.

"You shot your damn rocket through it!" Kisame answered.

"Man, I suck ass…if 'the leader' sees this we are so screwed." Sasori buried his throbbing head in the couch.

"No, it's cool Sasori, listen. Remember the time Itachi plowed his hand through the wall because he ran out of conditioner?"

"Yeah." Sasori uttered.

"Well, we blamed Orochimaru for that…if 'the leader' asks, we'll blame Orochimaru again!"


	7. Chapter 7 Sunday: Planning for Next Week

Day 7: Sunday: Planning for Next Week

Some Background…

Hahaha! Orochimaru…he always gets blamed for the stupid crap that happens every Friday night. It's possible that 'the leader' really hates Orochimaru because every time Kisame, Sasori, Zetsu, Deidara or Itachi tell 'the leader' that Orochimaru did something…he _always _buys it. Of course, maybe 'the leader' is a little naïve too.

After 30 minutes of crying and a shower full of peanut butter, the gum came out of Deidara's hair. No scissors needed. Itachi took all of Deidara's purple bubble gum. It was best that Deidara not have the gum, especially when he was drunk.

Today is Sunday, the final day of the week with the Akatsukis. By Sunday, the hangovers are gone and it's time to prepare for the next week. Every Sunday, the five of them sit down and discuss the next evil plan that needs to be developed. Naturally, Sasori always wants to drink while they discuss the plans; but the others are still kind of worn out from the Friday night drinking (remember…when the Akatsukis drink…they drink pretty hard).

"So, okay um…we have to fix that door next week." Zetsu jotted that down on a piece of paper.

"Oh! I want to pick out the new door, yeah!" Deidara was excited over the prospects of a new door; and the ther four of them had to agree Deidara had excellent interior design tastes.

"Okay, Deidara chooses the new door." Zetsu said. "So, evil plans…do we have any?"

"Well, I'm taking all our rings to the jeweler next week to have them cleaned." Kisame said.

"That's not evil." Zetsu said.

"No, but I'll probably kill someone on the way there." Kisame finished.

"Sasuke…he's such a bitch. I'm going to kick his ass!" Itachi said.

"Okay, you say that every single Sunday!" Zetsu said.

"This time…it's for real."

"He says that too." Sasori said softly Zetsu.

"Have you ever started looking at someone differently than you did before?" Sasori questioned anyone who would answer.

"You mean like from behind, yeah?" All eyes were on Deidara. Of all the stupid things…

"Man, his parents must have smoked so much weed. His mother was probably high when she gave birth to him." Itachi whispered to Kisame. Sasori shook his head.

"Yes! Deidara! Yes!" Deidara smiled and was getting ready to explain how one time he saw Itachi from behind and thought he was a woman; with the long black hair and all but Sasori stopped him. "No! You moron! I was going to say that I think some of our neighbors are evil and I was going to take them out this week! We can't have the competition!"

"You know I think this week, I'm going to try hat new tanning booth in town. I know! I know! That's not evil, but still I heard they have really hot bulbs." Zetsu said.

"Hey! I won gift certificates to that place last week at the store; you can take them and tell us what it's like." Kisame said.

This concludes the week with the akatsukis. On Monday, the cycle repeats itself. They have already lost the damage deposit on their apartment and the neighbors bitch about them constantly, but the landlord for whatever reason keeps letting them live there. They have some trouble getting through the week, yet somehow they manage to still be friends spite the never-ending chaos…


End file.
